


Clint's ideas suck (especially if they involve glitter)

by QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds



Series: MCU Crack Fics [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce is just along for the ride, Crack, Crack Fic, Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Crack, Found Family, Good Ideas, M/M, Post-Avengers (2012), Pranks, Slime, They Tried, Tony Being Tony, Tony centric, Tony is a little shit, actually very terrible ideas, and glitter, clint is a little shit, just fluffy fun, lots and lots of glitter, purple slime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25365889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds/pseuds/QueenOfALotOfDifferentWorlds
Summary: Every Avenger is a genius. Seriously, Tony knows this....it just doesn't stop them doing terribly stupid shit.(They are all also freaking idiots. Aside from Nat, of course.)
Relationships: (Tony is pining after Steve), Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Tony & Avengers
Series: MCU Crack Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836838
Comments: 19
Kudos: 112





	Clint's ideas suck (especially if they involve glitter)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone. Sadly I don't own Marvel. If I did the movies would be a lot fluffier. Maybe. 
> 
> I got the idea reading a puniness-and-ferb-incorrect-quotes post on Tumblr. You'll probably recognize the bit reading the Fic. Originally it's from Captain Underpants.
> 
> Have fun reading!

Tony is not exaggerating when he says he is a genius. He can prove it with his brilliant inventions, sparkling intellect and somewhere is the paper that states his IQ is 270. (The Alpha High IQ Society wasn’t happy when he told them he wouldn’t like to become a part of them because he thought it didn’t matter either way. They also didn’t appreciate it when they found out he had been drunk…)

Since Bruce moved into the tower of his own free will – that is his story and no one, not even his traitor AI with his videos can prove him wrong – he finally has someone to talk to. Like, someone who actually _understands_. And that is amazing. He doesn’t tell the other genius that, of course. Not often. Also, he studies the mushy and wet science, so… Bruce is lucky he is interesting.

What he didn’t expect was to learn that all of the other Avengers weren’t stupid. Well, almost all people were stupid – at least in Tony’s eyes – and that isn’t meant as an insult. It took Tony literal years to realize that his thoughts were just faster than others. And cleverer. And just… more.

But back to the point. He of course knew that Natasha was clever. And she is. (He would also rather die than say anything else. Sometimes he didn’t particularly work _against dying_ … but he wasn’t suicidal.) She was fast thinking, had incredible mind-reading-abilities and could manipulate others to do anything. And that was aside from her terrifying way to use anything and everything around her as a weapon. She claimed to have killed two people with one paperclip. He believed her.

Steve was a tactical mastermind. No, really, he is _brilliant_. He could process a fight like no one else. He was quick witted, learned incredibly fast and remembered almost everything he read and saw (Tony does to, but. Genius.) He could also inspire people like nobody’s business. And his speeches of encouragement are a sight to behold. Or listen to.

Thor of course is a god. And the way he uses his puppy dog eyes and the fact that he is an actual alien to get other people to do his bidding? Damn clever. (He also is actually wise when he wants to be, knows more than Tony will probably ever be able to learn – and doesn’t that piss him off like hell? – and can read people pretty accurately).

The biggest surprise though was Clint. And yes, Tony knows he is an asshole for thinking that. But Clint was clever enough to fool him for about two weeks – which is actually the very reason Tony knows that the archer is smart. Sure, Tony has no social skills to speak of, but he can read people most of the time. Clint got him fooled with his easy smiles, his carefree attitude and the way he riled Tony up with the simplest statements. Like with his statement, that he thought grass would be a lot better if it was purple.

“Green is so boring! Everything is green… Why is everything green?” Clint whined. They had just finished their last fight. Some fundamentalist assholes who wanted to set the world right or something. Tony had already forgotten what bullshit they had spouted.

“And what color would you prefer, birdbrain?” Tony had asked, while Jarvis ran another scan of Central Park. As far as he could tell, they had gotten all of them. Perfect, Pepper would kill him if he skipped out of the next board meeting that started in about fifteen minutes.

“Purple, of course.” Clint answered with a tone to his voice, as if that was the stupidest question he had ever heard.

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you chlorophyll only works this one color, so…” Tony had turned, ready to skip clean up duty and while on the topic of skipping there had to be a way to also skip the board meeting without being murdered by a vindictive redhead and her dangerous high heels.

“And what has chlorophyll to do with it?”

Tony turned back, looking at the archer who played with one of his arrows.

“You are shitting me.”

“Grass should be purple is all I’m saying.”

“It can’t be purple! Chlorophyll doesn’t absorb the green wavelengths of white light! The human eye sees them as green because those are the wavelengths that are reflected of it!”

“It should reflect the purple ones.”

“Are you shitting me!?!” By this point Tony was halfway to drag Clint to the nearest preschool. Or beat him with something. His adrenaline was still running high after the battle. But right now, it was off the charts. “Grass is green!”

“I think it’s chromophobic of you to say this.”

“What the-”

“What is going on?” Steve stepped half between them, a crease between his brows.

“Tony is a chromophobe.”

“I’m going to kill you Barton!” He would, too.

“A what?” Steve frowned, confused. Normally, Tony loved that look. Loved to talk with him until a smile grazed his lips and the ridiculous sparkle lightened his beautiful bright blue eyes. But not right now.

“Chromophobia is a persistent, irrational fear of, or aversion to, colors. It’s usually a conditioned response.” Natasha answered him, appearing out of thin air.

“A conditioned fear?” Steve turned towards Tony, concern obvious on his face, and god, he was too precious for the world, but still, Tony couldn’t deal with it right now.

“I’m not a chromo- Fuck you! Grass is green! It is what it is!”

“Oh yeah? So, you agree with the assholes?”

“Which assholes?” Tony fumed, trying very hard not to use his repulsors to shoot Clint. He barely even heard the alarm beeping erratically, reminding him of his impending doom by sharp footwear.

“The once we just fought?” And there it was again this tone of voice that said Tony was the stupidest person around and he wasn’t, dammit!

“All the stuff about Adam and Eve, not-”

“I’m going to kill you. I will rip-”

“Don’t you want the world to be a more colorful place, Stark?”

At that point Steve had to bodily restrain Tony or he would have made good of his threat and done terribly things to Clint. Slowly and messily. With a tea spoon.

Not only had it taken Tony three hours after that to explain to Steve that he wasn’t chromophobic, and no, he hadn’t been conditioned to fear the color green. That had actually started a conversation about his childhood and because that too was Clint’s fault, he had started a prank war with the asshole – which actually is where all this started.

Tony is a genius. Bruce is a genius. Clint can be brilliant – and is the very best in annoying people. Together they are a force to behold. If they could get Nat on their team, they could take over the world in ten hours flat. (The only reason they haven’t already are the deadly puppy dog eyes of Steve.)

This morning, after the boring adults (Steve and Nat) had left for work, Clint had come to Tony’s workshop with a good idea. After roping Bruce into it, it had taken them just a couple of hours to realize it. Long story short: the new security measure protecting the privacy of the Avengers was ready for take-off.

Actually, it did. Quite spectacularly, if Tony said so himself.

While installing the motion sensors, Bruce and Tony discussed other components for the substance that would help ID the intruders if they got away.

It was slime. Purple slime. Purple sticky slime. With glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. (That was Clint’s idea. In retrospect, all of it was Clint’s idea. Clint’s ideas suck.)

“If we used the 5% solution,” Bruce started, his eyes glowing with excitement, “we could increase the intensity of the substance by-”

It was that moment Clint decided to try the sensitivity of the motion sensors. As Tony had built them (and he was a genius – especially in engineering) they worked like a dream. Of course, they did.

 _The reaction time of the release could be faster_ , was the thought that passed through Tony’s mind in the 1.7 seconds it took to transmit the command from the motion sensor to the spray system of the slime. The purple sticky slime with lots and lots of glitter.

 _We have to reduce the density of the slime_ , was the thought he had feeling the sticky – and oddly warm – jelly cover him head to toe. Him and Bruce – who looked both grossed out and delighted.

And Clint, who was dancing in the purple sticky rain with lots and lots of glitter, laughing like a maniac.

And also _everything_ in the common room.

Because Tony was a genius – even if current actions could be used as a strong point to prove he also was a fucking idiot – he knew there was only one way for them to survive: Fake their deaths, change their names and move to the far mountains in east south India.

“It worked!” Clint screamed, waving his arms happily over his head while dancing through the room.

“What did you think?” Tony hissed, already planning their escape route. “It’s Bruce and me! Of course, it worked!”

“The damage would have been more extensive if the density…”

“Not helping Brucey-bear. Not fucking helping!”

“Oh, come one, Tony! This is amazing!”

“Is that Nat’s sweater?” There was real dread in Tony’s voice. And fear. Real, cold, mind numbing fear. Covered in purple slime (and lots and lots of glitter) was Nat’s favorite sweater. The one that no one even dared to touch.

“We’re dead.” All of Clint’s exuberants had died. Now, his voice was cold and accepting. “It was nice knowing you.”

“Is that Steve’s new sketching pad?” Bruce asked, slightly regretful.

This was even worse. Well, not worse. No, yeah definitely worse. Tony had given Steve that sketching pad. And Steve had been so happy. It was worse that they had destroyed something of Steve’s. It just wouldn’t kill them like the ruined sweater would. It also changed their plans. They couldn’t flee without apologizing to Steve. (Tony couldn’t.)

“Okay. We can do this.” Tony inhaled deeply. They could do this.

“We should leave a note before leaving the country. Bruce, write this down: Most honored colleagues. We regret to inform you that the fault for the malignancy that has befallen your home lies with us and us alone. We fear we have no choice but to leave to repent ourselves forthwith until you find it in your hearts to forgive us. Warmest regards and deepest regrets, Tony, Clint and Bruce. Okay, read it back to me.”

“Guys, we did this. Sorry. Tony, Clint and Bruce.”

“Perfect.” Clint nodded. “Let’s go.”

(They actually made it to the airport before Nat caught up to them. Jarvis had ratted them out, explaining, it wasn’t logical to flee from their teammates. The traitor. Nat had him cancel the cleaning crew and made them clean up every drop of purple slime and every piece of glitter. And there was lots and lots of glitter.)

(Steve said he wasn’t angry. Not even disappointed. But he said it with his sad smile. Tony couldn’t stand it. The next day Steve got 472 different sketch pads.)

(Bruce and Tony also improved the slime. They had gotten it off with just a bit of water, soap and elbow grease. They knew they could do better. After all, they were geniuses.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> This is my second Fic in the MCU and let me tell you: writing crack really relaxes me... so there will be probably more coming :D
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated!


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